When Someone is Out of Work, It Quickly Becomes a Family Affair - January, 2002

Workers who suddenly find themselves jobless go through a range of emotions, and experts say those emotions are experienced just as acutely, if not more so, by their loved ones.

“What most peopled don’t understand that their spouses or family can also go through that emotional roller coaster,” said Pam Venne’, director of counseling services in the Dallas office of career management firm Spherion.  “We’ve had spouses whose identity is tied up so much in their partner’s job that they’re even more angry than the individual themselves.”

It’s become a common occurrence in the Dallas-area tech industry, the first hit hard this year by job reductions.

Ms. Venne’ said that many spouses see how upset the unemployed spouse is and try to compensate by being overly cheery, a strategy that usually backfires.

Children—even very young children—can quickly pick up on their parents’ depression and become depressed themselves.  Ms. Venne’ said, recalling one 4-year-old son of a past client.

“It was just very traumatic that he had seen this “For Sale” sign go up in the front yard and he didn’t have any control over it,” she said.

“So the couple sought some help, and the therapist suggested that the little boy be allowed to pull the sign up every night with the father, put it on the front porch, and then every morning he would walk out and put the sign back in the yard.  That was his ability to contribute, to feel like he had some sort of control,” she said.

Even with that control, relocation can be an emotional challenge for the family, others say, especially when an employed spouse has to quit a job so the unemployed spouse can take a job somewhere else.

Chuck Knorp, Ambler Associates Career Transition, helps trailing spouses find jobs.  “It really is a serviced that puts their mind as ease,” he said, saying they are less worried about losing the second income for a long period of time.

“With the dual-career couples, the (spouse’s) career is heavily impacted,” said Ann Wallace, Career Development Resources, Rochester, NY.  “One, they may be leaving a career that they really like.  Two, they’re leaving a network and so their ability to find work because networking is such an important part of finding work,” she said.

While a primary wage-earner is out of work, families can be helpful and support, Ms Venne” said.  But a spouse must be careful with how that help is provided.

“Don’t ask ‘Did you get a job today?’” she said.  “Because if they did, you’re going to be the first one to know.  So, you should be asking about activity level.  You should be talking about emotions, and be honest about those emotions.”

Families should be honest about how they can work together to cut costs, such as reducing allowances, eating out less often or swearing off credit cards until a new job is found, Ms Venne’ said.

Families can also get the word out that the unemployed spouse is looking for work, Ms. Venne’ added, but they need to make sure they thoroughly understand what that person is skilled at and the type of job they’re looking for.  “So if you are going to be a representative for your nonworking spouse, make sure that you understand and can articulate what they do”, she said.